Roast

This was seriously one of the coolest things to ever happen to me. My 30th birthday fell on a Wednesday in 2011. On that day the Oklahoma City Thunder were eliminated in the Western Conference Finals by the eventual NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks. It was depressing.

Then, Chitra handed me this card informing me that there would be a roast held in my honor on Saturday evening!! I was told nothing else other than 1) I would have a “roast partner” and 2) I should prepare a response. The evening of, my roommate, sister, and friend ushered me into a car around 6:50pm amidst queries like “Where do you think we’re going, Michael?” and “Are we going north? Are we going south?”

The car headed into Baltimore City’s downtown area and we got out a few blocks shy of Fells Point at Mustang Alleys. We took the elevator up to the second floor alleys and I braced myself for some kind of surprise”¦but there was nothing. All three of them looked confused. One of them asked the others, “Are you sure we’re in the right place?”

An employee suspected where we were supposed to go and directed us around the corner into a back room. As soon as I entered I saw five circular tables surrounded by people. So many people! They stood to applaud, but I could only focus on whomever was closest to me at the time. I worked my way around the room barely noticing our private bartender and buffet.

My friend Will was down from NYC and dressed in a tuxedo. He would serve as Roastmaster. Dennis was up from DC. He would be my roast partner. After saying my hellos I sat down at the main table and the projector started rolling this video:

Next, Pavel called in from San Francisco to say hello. Literally, he just wanted to chat while he drank wine. Instead of telling jokes he gave advice and asked questions like, “So, what’s new?” There were 9 additional roasts that night and I’ve included a handful. They are separated into 3 categories – funny, anecdotal/funny hybrid, and serious.

FUNNY

After Roastmaster Will made his initial remarks, Dennis, my roast partner who I first met through Boston University Debate in 2002, started the night off.  His observations about my academic and relationship travails were spot-on.

About midway through the evening, Christy spoke. I don’t think there’s must question that this was the funniest, side-splittingest roast of the night. Sadly, the material which had to be edited out is even funnier than what’s here.

Chitra organized the entire event and was afforded the privilege of speaking last. She chose the form of a poem. In my opinion, this was also one of the overall funniest roasts of the night, and you don’t need to hear the thoughts I’m silently thinking in my brain to know it.

ANECDOTAL-FUNNY HYBRID

My sister took a few minutes to make fun of my love of wrestling and questionable masculinity, but concluded with some very sweet remarks.

The beginning of this video contains a quick bit from Roastmaster Will on “Failed Mike Specian Production Ideas”, which is a blatant ripoff of my FAPIs (APDA Failed Production Ideas). Kat then spoke on 3 themes: 1) Mike as a collector, 2) Mike as a media enthusiast, and 3) Mike as a health nut.

Mike, thoughtful as always, ruminates on science, elephants, and indie wrestling.

SERIOUS

Kelly read an email testimonial from Ms. J, a former teacher, coach, and in many ways surrogate mother. Rather than ripping me to shreds (which would have been all too easy) she wrote from the heart about her aspirations for me.

MIKE’S REBUTTAL

After Jordan and Jon had spoken, I was permitted a few minutes in the hall with Dennis (which is all I really wanted anyway) to prepare my rebuttal. With his and a couple others’ input, I delivered the final roast of the night.

And here are some photos!